I see so many surprised faces when I say “Let us pray” or “I have a meeting in church” or “I cannot make it, I have a church program to attend” and I wonder why they are surprised? One way or the other I have been judged (we all have) but one question is how has this affected my spirituality?
Firstly, I am in no way a perfect christian but then I recently started finding my way to God and I have come to rely on Him so much this past year that I no longer have to search to the end of the earth for peace, it’s just there. Maybe it is because of the guilt of sins I have committed or because I became more involved in church activities that I no longer have the excuse of ignorance to cover for me whenever I act ‘unchristian-like’ but I have become aware that there is a change in me and it is still very new that I have not fully accepted it although I feel blessed enough to appreciate it.
My early experience with ‘Christians’ had to do with people who could fire prayer for hours and miracles would happen (including my mother LOL) or people who do not dress glamorously while preaching God’s word, so when I could not pray in such a way, I started to doubt my sincerity in worshiping God, I started feeling inadequate and I thought if I did not pray like that God would not answer me. I grew up and became fashion-oriented but would walk into the house of God thinking in my heart that they are judging me because they think fashion is all I know & I am just coming to show off in church.
Needless to say I was wrong, I discovered I could pray like that if I wanted to but that still did not make miracles work or get my prayers answered faster. And they were wrong also because I learned from my mum that you wear your best outfits to church because He provided them for you & if you cannot wear it for Him then who are you wearing it for?Then I grew & found my spiritual rhythm; talking to God like I was indeed talking to my birth father, I would kneel, lie, sit, stand or take whatever position was comfortable at the time and discuss with Him. I would talk to Him without rush but with all my heart open, no walls nor distractions, I would sing my best worship songs and sometimes I would cry, then I started to connect with Him & things started to happen for real.
I grew more & learned that my relationship with God does not have to be the same with that of my Youth leader or Reverend in church before I get a VIP seat with God, I did not need to shout till the earth shakes before my prayers would be answered but till today I still envy those who can do it because they have that strength and I don’t but it does not make me less of a good christian than them. Now I can accept that if I live right in obedience with His word, yes I would falter but I can accept my failings and go back to Him in faith that He is merciful enough to forgive me, then I can have that peace and fulfillment that comes with being with God.
Lastly (for now), I am still in no way perfect but I have a perfect God that loves me despite all my imperfections.
Do have a wonderful week ahead guys!
LoveandKisses from TANG.